100 Screw Ups

I'm so sick of hearing people talk about databases, and inactive footprints, and ATMS, and checkrides and IT and practical test and blah blah blah. I'm just listening to people around me at work and it's driving me crazy! Everything is such a big deal around here, so dramatic---it's a stupid database, who cares!!!

Ok, now that the venting is done. I recently have skimmed through a book called "100 people who are screwing up America". This is a great book. He pretty much pinpoints the people in this nation who are making this nation harder and harder to live in. The whiners and complainers, the ultra-feminists, the U.S senator who pushes for civil rights acts, but happens to have been a former member of the Klu Klux Klan...go figure. Michael Moore, Ludacris, Barbara Walters, Ann Pele, are among a few of the more memorable ones. Actually one of my favorites was a woman who thinks that there should be more hurricanes named after black children. Come on...I already think affirmative action is taken way to far out of context and actually turns into a reverse racism act----but come on!! That's just ridiculous to me.

Not surprising at all is that the list is mostly compiled of mainstream liberals. It is impossible to deny, if you read this book, that the people listed in here are idiots and are in fact screwing up America royally. I'm not going to go into this much more cause, again, I'll get long winded. Just read the book, it's a fun read even if you don't agree with everybody on his list. However, I do hold a lot of respect for this man. He makes a point of saying that this is HIS list and that he doesn't expect everybody to agree with everybody that is on the list. However, I think this is a fantastic book and I agree with everybody on that list. I would add a few more to it though.

Deep Thoughts..

It's hard to decide what to write about, there is so much on my mind. So I thought that I would just come here and vent about stuff for all the hundreds of people that are reading this. I need a vacation of some sorts. Not just a weekend vacation but like a whole week or something. I don't see anything like that on the horizon. What I do see is a never-ending view of working. It's not like school where you can see 3 months of freedom somewhere down the line. This is it. I started working after college and I won't stop until retirement. All of these fantastic years of life that I have been given will be spent couped up in some job.

This job that I have now is the first job that I have had that is in a business/office atmosphere. I have always worked at restaurants and coffee shops before. I realize that the big corporations are the ones that allow us to have everything that we have in the world--technology of all kinds, food services, grocery stores, gas stations, airplanes, plumming in our houses, houses themselves--everything has a purpose. But, more and more, I don't like the business world (what little I've seen of it). People get so wrapped up in issues that seem so petty to me. In fact, people seem to get so wrapped up that they miss out on family functions, skil their vacation for the year, lose that free time that everybody should have. I personally do not want to get to the end of my life (hopefully 100 or so..) and think: "I put too much stock in my work and kept putting my life off, and now I look back on those days and weeks and months and years that I could have done something exciting and fulfilling and I see nothing but stress and paperwork."

I do have a bit of an unrealistic dream. I don't want to work. I don't want my husband to work. I want to travel the world with him and experience things that will make me a better person and will enrich my life. I want to live my life to the fullest possible potential. At this point I work and then go home and watch t.v. while my husband surfs the internet. Real fulfilling life. Granted I do a lot of other things that are fulfilling and enriching. But what about that time where I'm sitting watching t.v and not interacting with the person that I have chosen to spend my life with? We spend time together but what about all those hours spent sharing our lives with technology instead of eachother? How much richer would our relationship be if we used that time with eachother instead. Obviously, everybody needs alone time so that's understandable. And I do like t.v. and he likes the computer--there's nothing wrong with that, but I wish that we would cut down a little. I want to create good habits in our marriage early on. I want to come home and be excited to see him (I am) and not be excited for that show on t.v. THAT is a waste. This is obviously just one aspect of a meaningful life for me. Our relationship is wonderful, I have so many moments where I can't believe how lucky I am. I guess my point is: How much MORE wonderful would it be if we had used all those hundreds of hours spent cuddling up with technology as opposed to eachother?

I kind of went on a rant there. The point of this blog is just what happens to be going through my mind at the time, and right now because I have SO much time to sit and think about life at my job, this is what I'm thinking. How can I make my life more meaningful? For me I think that I just need to resign myself a little bit to the fact that, yes, I will have to work until retirement. However, with that time that I'm not spending working why don't I make the most of that? Instead of watching t.v why don't I write some more songs? Take a couple more classes? Save up for a great vacation? Spend quality time with my husband? Just have some time to read a book or listen to music?

I know that I have more to give then what I'm giving now. I know that I'm feeling this way cause something is getting surpressed. I know that my relationships have a lot more potential then I'm allowing them to have. I know all these things. I just get so overwhelmed with what to do with myself that I just screw it all and turn on the TV.

Some Tuesday Politics

Ah, another god-awful day of doing nothing. It's really starting to piss me off now. One day I probably will stand up and say something along the lines of, "so...does anybody else realize that we're doing NOTHING?? Are we really necessary?" That would be what I would want to say, but I'll probably just hold it inside.

I thought today I would introduce my political opinions (at least a few of them). First, if I had to categorize myself I would call myself a republican. I voted for Bush both times around and stand by my decision. I don't necessarily think he is God or the best president that ever walked this earth, but I do agree with him on the major issues. Yes--I do agree with the war! *gasp* To put it bluntly, I cannot fathom what the liberals think is so bad about this war. We are going into a country that is overrun by terrorists and happens to be the largest supplier of them and trying to stop them, and in turn helping them become a better nation! We are liberating women from a life of worthlessness. We are and have saved millions of people from suffering meaningless deaths under a leader that is equivalent with Hitler. Oh wait---we captured him! Jeez, we suck as a country don't we? How dare we try to make the world a better place. The majority of liberals seem to think we're just in this for the oil. We have to have a purpose, but it just has to be a shitty one.

I cannot stand how there is a population of "americans" in this country that are just convinced that America is out to get everybody. Everything we do is for the worst possible reason that people can muster up. I get so fed up with it and I just wonder why, if these people hate America so much, don't just move away to a different country? It would sure make this a better place. But see, that's the issue, they like the freedoms that we have in this country. However, they are the very people that will slam the war and say that nothing comes from violence. But, I wonder, how do these people think that we came to have these freedoms that they hold so dear? Heaven forbid we help another country in this world have the same privileges we have and help stop the meaningless killing in this world.

Anyway, I could go on about this forever. It just really fires me up that people in this country can hate America as much as they do and still live here and enjoy what it has to offer. It is so blatantly hypocritical that it makes me sick.

I do strongly believe, and have reason to believe, that liberals are ruining this country. Yep, I said it, and I mean it. They are openly denying, demoralizing and degrading the "greatest nation on God's green earth" (Michael Medved yes, I listen to him as well).

So there you have it. Agree with me or don't. That's one of the beautiful things about living in this country, you won't get beheaded or gunned down on your way to work for having a different opinion.

Money vs. Passion?

I'm in a weird mood today. Kind of annoyed, kind of restless....just a mesh of things. I don't like this kind of mood cause I can't seem to put my finger on what the problem is. I'm going to use two examples of my mood. So, newly married I have a new house. I love it but there are so many things about it that I would like to change; the color of a couple rooms, I need some curtains, I want some new furniture, I want some new appliances. I can fix one thing but there are a dozen other things that need to be fixed so it's like a never ending project. Another lame example: I love clothes and shoes, and I have a lot of them, and yet I hate all of them. I have skirts that I would love to wear but I don't feel like I have the right shirt to go with them or the right pair of shoes. So, even if I go out and buy one new shirt, I'm still going to be lacking that pair of shoes, so the shirt would be a waste. Does that make sense? Just a general unsatisfied feeling.

Ok, I also am a musician, I haven't mentioned that and that's not the point of this blog but I'll talk a bit about it here. I have a degree in Vocal performance and so I sing opera, musical theater, jazz, contemporary...you name it. Except hip hop and rap ..duh. I also am a piano player and I accompany and play for pleasure. Basically music is my passion, especially singing. However, because I sing so many different genres should I choose one to focus on? If I half-ass my focus on all of them then I will accomplish nothing. But I want to sing all of them. Actually the feuding two are Opera and Musical Theater. People high up in the Opera biz say that you absolutely cannot sing Opera and Musical Theater at the same time. However, I love singing musical theater but I cannot deny that I have a talent in Opera. So, what do I do?

It's just a frustrating feeling. I'm so young and I feel like I'm standing at about 10 different roads with pressure coming from all of them. My question is: How do you decide what you want to do? When does the light go off? Should I wait for a light to go off? If I wait and it never comes than I could have passed up huge opportunities. For all I know if I focus on Opera I could be singing lead roles at the Met in 10 years. But, if I focus on Musical Theater I could be singing lead roles on Broadway in 10 years. Or, neither of those will happen because I didn't focus on either of them and missed out.

And I also feel this sense of urgency sitting at my job doing NOTHING wondering what I could be doing if I didn't have this obligation to make money! What a waste of my life right now. I stare at a computer all day long wasting away. No matter what I do there is always something else that needs to get done. Will I ever be satisfied.

You may be wondering why this all came on. Well, I'm not entirely sure. I had a meeting at work this morning and was so frustrated that I almost just got up and walked out (ok, not really, but you get the idea.) As I said I do nothing at this job but then when we have a meeting my boss talks to us as though we are experts in this field and we have been working our butts off. My question is, doesn't he notice that we're all sitting around reading books and checking our email 500 times a day? What does he think we're doing? Then, I talked to my old piano teacher and she has been talking to my voice teacher (who I can't afford to take lessons from cause this waste of a job doesn't provide that luxury...funny..)and they're both wondering how I can handle sitting at a desk all day when they know me well enough to know that my passion is music. I feel like I'm sitting in a prison looking outside at what I really want to do but just not able to do it cause I'm locked in this cage of working (that was my attempt at being poetic..)

I know that millions of people feel this way. Everybody has a passion in life, something that they wish that they could get paid for. I think it's a real jip that people are born with passions and talents and the majority of people never get to fully tap into them and see their true potential because of this retarted money thing. I'm kind of venting but it's really bothering me right now.

Anyhow, my boss just came over and gave me a duty. Oh joy. I'm not really in that bad of a mood, I'm just contemplative and a little discouraged.

sleep walking?

Well, so far nobody has left a comment, has anybody even read it?
Just another day of doing nothing at work. In fact, I have kind of a headache from doing nothing. Well actually I have a headache cause I think I'm harboring some kind of sickness, but it's really bothering me cause it's been nothing but minor aches in the body and a killer headache for the last 3 days. No fever (which is rare for me), no stuffed up nose or sore throat. It's actually getting a little annoying. I wish that if I was going to get sick it would just attack me all at one time. This is kind of just teasing me, making me wonder if it's all just in my head.
So, new topic. I'm newly married and I'm slowly starting to get used to somebody else sleeping in my bed. We didn't live together before and we rarely spent the night with each other when we were dating. Anyway, he goes to bed quite a bit later than I do so I almost always (in fact I will venture to say ALWAYS) go to bed by myself. It doesn't bother me too much because by the time I go to bed I'm super tired anyway. But anyway, last night he went to hang out with some friends and didn't get home until 2:30 or so. I have some sort of alarm in my head when it comes to him, I don't know what it is but I will bolt up out of bed in the middle of the night if he's not there and either call him immediately or just kind of freak out. But, there's a time limit on it. Like, when I know he has to go to work the next day the alarm in my head will typically go off around 1:30 or so and if he's home I'll go find him wherever he is and remind him of the time and if he's aware that he has to get up in the morning. Like he doesn't know! Then I always go back to bed and feel stupid that I just did that. If it's a weekend or something it goes off around 3:00am or so. But the weird thing about it is that I have minimal control over it. It's almost partial sleep walking. I know what I'm doing but I have zero rational thinking and it's an immediate, "Where is he? What is he doing?"
In everyday living I am a super worrier, if it can be worried about I will do it and to a to the extreme. Along with that (and obviously connected) I have some anxiety issues---hyperventilating (rarely, but it has occured), shortness of breath, tightness of stomach, dizzy head. And the majority of the time this happens as a result of nothing. Just a weird feeling.
Along with that weird alarm thing I have with my husband I also have these freaky dreams every once in a while. The dream is as simple as this: I wake up in my bed looking at the dark ceiling and either one huge spider or a bunch or little ones are dropping on my face. That's it. It's so short but extremely vivid. So vivid that everytime this happens I, again, bolt out of bed and run to the other side of the room, heart pounding. Numerous times I have gone and gotten someone (my husband, roommate) to come and kill the spider that I am so sure is there. However, the other night it was so bad that when I bolted out of bed I also let out a very loud scream (which I'm sure our neighbors appreciated) and starting hitting my face saying "get it off of me!". I know, it sounds crazy, but there's nothing I seem to be able to do about it.
Anyway, I kind of feel sorry for my husband. He's gotta be thinking, "What the heck?" a good portion of the time.
Ok, I realize that this is a pretty long blog, so I think I'll stop now. Leave a comment if the spirit moves you.

Wonka's Magic

I watched the new "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" last night. We rented it from netflix and got it the day of it's release. I hadn't seen it yet and so I was pretty excited. The original Willy Wonka with Gene Wilder is up there on my list of movies. The music is that kind of music, at least for me, that sticks with you. I find myself singing "cheer up Charlie" to my husband whenever he's not feeling so well. I hadn't received the greatest reviews from my friends for this new movie. I heard several people tell me that it was not near as good as the original and that they didn't particularly like Johnny Depp's portrayal of Wonka.
First off, I have to say that I think Johnny Depp is a brilliant actor. Every movie I have seen him in, especially this last year, I am so impressed with his acting. But that's the thing about acting, if someone does that good of a job you forget that they are acting and begin to believe that this character is actually a real person. He does that for me every time. He was amazing in "Pirates of the Carribean" but he blew me away in "Finding Neverland", that was a beautiful movie and he was incredible.
Ok, so I'm veerying off topic. Yes. Willy Wonka. Ok, I really liked this movie! It was very similar to the original in many ways but added a few extra things to it that the original did not have. I thought that Depp's interpretation of Willy Wonka was perfect. Kind of child-like with this wide-eyed innocence that made you just want to hug him! It takes quite a bit to make me laugh out loud in movies or t.v shows but there were multiple times that his character got me.
The oompa-loompas were a little annoying though. They tried to modernize their songs a bit too much. I wish they could have just had them sing some happy jingle everytime like the old ones did instead of trying to make them 21st century. I suppose I'm biased because I hate mainstream music and anything that has to do with....but that's a whole other blog...
Anyway, if you haven't seen it go out and get it!

The Beginning

I decided that it's time that started to do some serious blogging. I had, or rather, have, and account with myspace and it's just not doing it for me. The blogs are rarely read and I find (forgive me if I'm generalizing) that most of the people that are on there are either in high school, or college or recent graduates. Which is not a bad thing but I think that it's a good place to just stay in touch with old friends or to make new ones. However, I'm not interested in the whole internet dating thing, and it's kind of geared towards that.
Anyway, there it is. That is why I am here. I also think it's cool to have a place to write down your everyday thoughts and have them read by whoever happens to be cruising by. Especially because those people may not know me and so they have no presupposed ideas about who I am or what I am about. They can only go off of what I write. Plus, my husband has a blog and I really like it, so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.
I have this job right now where I seriously do nothing. Ok...so I do have duties to do but they are so few and far between that I sit and surf the internet about 95% of the day. No joke. I know, most people would say, "well, you don't know how lucky you are, I wish I had a job like that." True, I suppose that it has it's perks. I do get a lot done at work that I otherwise would not have wanted to do at home. But, the hours go by so slow and I like to feel like I'm useful. When I do have things to do I enjoy them for the most part. My work is somewhat specialized and I get this slightly egotistical burst of pride for myself in knowing how to do something that to other people would sound like a foreign language. I suppose most jobs are like that, any job that requires training means that it's not something that anybody could just pick up and do right off the bat. But, I'm just going to let that feeling linger cause it makes me feel good.
Anyway, that's the first blog, I'm sure I'll get lots of comments on this one!