The End of an Era

The era of doing nothing that is....That job I was complaining about a couple blogs down? Yes, I got that job---I can't believe it and I start tomorrow. I am always a flood of emotions when starting a new job. I am excited for the possibilities but nervous for them as well, what if nobody likes me? What if I am not able to perform the duties assigned to me? What if they expect too much out of me? What if they're really unflexible and I never can get any time off?? You name it, I have worried about it.

My new job is a case manager position for an elderly day center. They come every day for activities and field trips for about 5 hours. The remainder of the day is spent dealing with the 22 patients that I have been given. I'm not sure exactly how in charge I am of them, but how I understand it is that I will help them find the right things for what they are needing: medical attention, insurance info etc, so we'll see how that goes. I really do enjoy working with the elderly, so that is definitely a perk. They're just so full of life (contrary to belief), they have so much to say. In most cases their minds are still working just fine, it's just their bodies that are giving up on them. It's a weird thought to think that your mind and your body are two entirely seperate things. It's as if our body is a shell that is holding our soul inside.

Anyway, I won't get started on philosophical thoughts..

That's what is happening with me, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold for me and I am more than a little anxious---but more than a little excited. A weird concoction of emotions. But, that's me.

Postcard Confessions

I have heard a lot of talk recently about this thing called Post Secret.
You can also see more of them on msnbc's article on it as well. This kind of stuff fascinates me. People in general fascinate me. To me it reminds me how small our world actually is, and how intricate each of our lives are. A lot of times when I am driving or walking through the mall I like to people watch. I like to imagine what their lives are like and how they are just as wrapped up in their own lives as much as I am wrapped up in mine. This idea of writing and sending postcards in when you have a secret is so interesting to me because it really opens my eyes to the complexity of everybody on this planet. We all have secrets that we don't want anybody to know about --- that we think are really weird. When you look at these secrets it's almost a relief to see you're just as weird as everybody else.

The Reality of the Stupid Real World

I am having a dilemma. It's not the worst dilemma to have, but it's still happening. As all of you masses of people know, I really dislike my job. When we are actually given work to do, I seriously cannot stand it. It makes me cringe everytime I hear mention of anything relating to this database that I am supposedly working with. 99% of the time I am doing nothing, but I also hate that. If I was going to do nothing I would rather be at home in my sweats watching Oprah or Dr. Phil. The only thing that has been my saving grace here has been two girls that have worked with me. Until now. One of the girls took a new job last week and left, the other is getting married next week and moving. So, that leaves me here alone. Ok, not alone, but practically. The other three people I can tolerate but it's definitely not the same.

Now, this job is actually a contract to hire job so I am not permanent yet. My manager has been talking with HR and the president of the company about making us remaining four permanent positions, but he says he does not know how many he will get. If he gets two people it is hands down going to the two suck-ups that sit behind me. They will do anything for this job, I swear it's like being a reality t.v show or something. However, if I was offered the job (which is a pretty large possibility) then I will not only get a slight raise in pay but I will get incredible benefits (which we currently do not have..) and, as I found out this morning, full-tuition reimbursement.

I want to go back and get my master's in counseling and I have the program picked out and everything. Money is really the only thing holding me back at this point. I know what I want to do, I just don't have the means to do it right now. If I took this job I would have to suffer through 2, maybe 3 three years of a job that I can't stand, but I will breeze through grad school for free.

Ok, here's the tricky part. I recently applied for a job that, in all descriptions, sounds like a dream job for where I am right now. When I applied, I thought for sure my resume would be thrown away and barely even looked at. I don't have the education for it or the experience (except some volunteer work that relates). However, I made it clear in my cover letter that I have a passion for that kind of work and apparantely they listened cause they called for an interview. The problem is, this job does not pay as well as my current job and the hours are a bit longer, and it would mean that I would have to pay for my own Grad school. BUT, I would be enjoying my job very much. I would also get benefits (which would lower my pay even more), and I would get 4 weeks paid vacation.

I have not been offered either job at this point, but the way things are going one will be offered before the other (if any at all.) I may not even get either job. I want to be prepared in my answer. Should I simply ask this dream job for more money if they offer it to me? Or, should I just refuse the job altogether and bank on getting this stupid job as a permanent position, allowing me to go to school for free?

This is a huge dilemma for me. I know, most of you are probably thinking "you haven't even been offered either job yet Jenny". Correct. But, I want to be fully prepared and know what to do if either of them happen. The interview is tomorrow. By the way, do you talk about salary in the interview or when they offer the job to you?? I don't know how any of that works.

Ok. Assignment. If you read this blog, please reply and give me your opinion. I can make my own decisions (Dalton would dispute that), but I would like to hear how other people would respond. If you think I'm stupid and worrying too much, say so. I don't care, I just want to know what people think.

Thanks!

Nostalgia

Sometime I think that I was born in the wrong century. I was watching "Anne of Green Gables" the other day, and I cannot describe how much I want to jump into the TV screen and become part of that world. I love the romance of it and how simple things were.

We live in a society that is entirely dependant on technology. We have forgotten what a true lazy afternoon can be like. Without the TV or the video games or the computer or the phone or the car, you name it, there is nothing to do. I have always dreamed of living in a little town back in the late 19th century where a lazy afternoon means walking through the forest with a friend to go visit your neighbor that lives 2 miles away. Laying by a river or going ice skating on a frozen pond in the winter. At night time I would sit by the fire in my cozy little house and read a book or play the piano, or write in my journal.

Granted, all those things can be done in today's society, but it would not be the same. All around you would be the fast-paced world screaming at your door, reminding you that life is not near as simple as you are trying to make it at the moment.

I have always wanted to wear pretty dresses everyday, and that would be the norm. Parties meant small orchestra's that would play enchanting music while you would waltz around the room with a man that knows what manners are and knows how to treat a lady. The doors are always opened for you, you always have his arm and he is respectful to the core.

Things like drug abuse, domestic violence, delinquent kids, the fear of keeping your door unlocked at night, fear of car accidents, fear of walking home alone at night, noise all around you all the time; that wouldn't be there anymore. At least it would be greatly reduced.

"Anne of Green Gables" is the perfect setting for me. The scenery is just ridiculously beautiful and Anne spends her days walking to and from town through the apple orchards, sitting down by the water reading poetry and meeting with her "bosom buddy" Diana where they dream of parties and men and imagine, imagine, imagine. That's what I think we are missing today. We have lost the capacity for that kind of imagination. What do we need it for? We can turn on the TV and see just about anything we would want, we can immerse ourselves in a video game that actually makes you feel as though you are there. Imagination has become for only the smallest of children, and that is quickly diminishing anyway.

I am a romantic down to my core. I fantasize about that kind of world. I think that I would thrive in it.

It's Time

Well, that's it. I'm officially applying for a new job. Yep, I can't take it anymore. Today we had another one of those awesome meetings where my manager says in a real convincing tone, "Boy, the workload is REALLY adding up. Prep yourself to start getting REAL busy in the next few days." *yawn* Heard it all before at least 20 times in the last 4 months. It never happens. Surprise, here I am now sitting at my computer with nothing to do except apply for a new job.

Jim

Yesterday afternoon I found out that my friend Jim O'Hagan had passed away Monday morning. Last month a wrote about how I am a volunteer for Hospice and how I met this incredible man, Jim. I don't think I really knew how large the impact was going to be on me when he died. Of course, being a volunteer for something like Hospcie you know from the very beginning that you will get attached and that they will die, that is inevitable. However, I was not prepared for this. He seemed so alive and well---I thought for sure that they would have taken him off hospice within the next couple months. The last time I saw him was about 2 days before Christmas. He was very confused, he said that he knew he was Jim but he didn't know what that meant. He also told me that he was extremely lonely and that whenever I left he got really sad. That's definitely a tough thing to hear, knowing that you can't be with him all the time.

I know that I made an impact on Jim's life---half as much as the one he made on mine, but he made it very clear to me that I was very special to him. I feel honored to have been a part of his life at a crucial point. I know that he is much more comfortable and happy now --- he's probably up there chatting with Glenn Miller and Benny Goodman, he deserves that.

Wonder

As I mentioned in another post, I gave Dalton a telescope for Christmas this year. It really did turn out to be a good gift---it seems like he really enjoys it. I have seen many pictures of space and looked at the stars on a clear night, but it never really affected me except for the occasional falling star or the small red spot in the sky that claims to be Mars. But then, I looked through this telescope and was blown away. The first thing that Dalton showed me was Saturn. That was ridiculous, you could see the ring around it and everything.

Having never been one to sit and contemplate space, it always has been something that has been there and I know that it is big---but I never really THOUGHT about the extent of it all. It's HUGE. I cannot comprehend the enormity of space. Looking at Saturn I got a little knot in my stomach and heard a little voice say, "yep, you really are that small and so insignificant in the grand scheme of things". I was actually looking at a planet, it wasn't just a little sticker on the end of the telescope, it was real.

I am one that believes that everybody is significant in their own right and that everybody has a purpose for being here. I absolutely believe in God. As a matter of fact, after looking at space I am even more convinced. For me, the more I see of the world and now out into the galaxy, I cannot fathom how all of these beautiful things that exist could not have been created. Or rather, how they could have just appeared and worked so perfectly. I have heard the saying, "It takes more faith to not believe in a creator than to believe in one." Absolutely.

Not only seeing space and mountains, and flowers and fish and animals and humans (the list could go on...), but now having lived a little bit more life and experiencing things it even strengthens my faith in some sort of a higher power. To be able to feel the kind of love that I feel for people in my life, to have such an intricate personality, to connect with other people's intricate personalities, to have thoughts and dreams and every emotion in the book----- life is incredible, in every form. To me, that cannot just have popped up out of nowhere without any significance.

My beliefs are always evolving, at this point in my life I have stepped out of the box of organized religion and started to do some real "soul-searching" on my own. I often think that God is up there going, "Everybody just sit back and enjoy what I have given you----it's not all that serious!" I also don't think that we were ever supposed to "figure it all out". Some people are so sure that there is absolutely no God, and some are absolutely certain that there is a God -- but they have taken the mystery out of this God, they are sure that they know exactly how he feels about every issue in the world, how they are going to get to heaven, how he judges people who "sin". I have stopped doing that. I no longer believe that it is as cut and dry as that.

I will never claim to know it all when it comes to God. I have come to some conclusions, but they may change. I do know that I have been given an extremely curious mind, and since I believe there is a purpose for everything I think it would be a waste to take my curious mind and shove it into a box and keep it there without budging.

I'm sorry, I'm getting a little philosophical. It's just a weird thought that here I am, sitting at a little computer desk typing, while somewhere out in space Saturn is just hanging out. It's real. Space is really out there, full of as much mystery and truth as any person, animal, plant or God out there.

Another Day

Here I am, back at "work". So far this morning I have uploaded some photos to my other blog site here, if you want to check it out. I have eaten some oatmeal, chatted with my friends here at work and now this. Quite the productive day so far, I would say.